I'm so over stopping myself from talking about my sexual experiences in front of children.
taking a shot every time they compare curling to a real sport
If only guys knew how much awkward ass shaving goes into making sex this good...
We got a 5L jug of wine for 3 Euro. Italy was a good choice.
The girl that works the front desk at my gym invited me and my friend to come see her Tuesday during her shift at hooters because its her birthday. I still have a boner
you closed your eyes and pointed to a cupboard..there was vodka on the top shelf. your sixth sense is amazing. plus, we convinced the foreign kid you're a booze whisperer
Drunk me Does not appreciate a drunk, naked you kicking me off the couch at 3am. You have a bed here, you dick
I hate it when the guy who runs the chicken and waffles truck is convinced that I run a cult.
that is the opposite of a normal text message.
I woke up naked except for someone else's socks. Im so proud
Is it socially acceptable to break up with someone over snapchat?
He's wearing my bra and eating a breadstick while jumping on our bed.....
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
He had the same tone in his voice and look in his eyes that he gets when he says UFOs aren't real.
learned the hard way that breakfast jack daniels is a lot stronger than lunch or dinner jack daniels.
I have chicken nuggets, lube and brand new batteries, he can stay at work charting all weekend for all I care, I'm set.
Randomize
