Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
just next time i won't let coke make me think I'm superman and drink a shit ton.
You supply the liquor and I'll "accidently" forget my bathing suit.
Deal!
If we keep treating our bodies like amusement parks we have another 10 years left at best.
Me and my dog bond so much when im high.
I have migrated to the couch. Minimal movement is still happening, but I should be mobile enough to go to the liquor store by eight.......so that good.
I'm not sorry for loving America more than everyone else
I just want to give face wipes a shout out for being there when im too tired or high to wash my face at night
I had to bail out of the tour de Franzia because I have class Saturday morning. Grad school is ruining my life
How is it that on the one day I'm just moving my car at 6:30 I get the walk of shame looks but when I come home at 9 am in a torn dress holding heels old ladies smile at me?
It's not christmas until we're acting sober in front of grandma
I'll tell you all about it in person but let's just say the big dick fairy must really like me right now
You smoked too much and passed out, didn't you?
You know me so well.
I was pretty sure he wouldn't be into me after I fucked his brother, and then his best friend, and yet, here I am doing lines off his stomach
Shit day. Some kids decided to open my car at 3 AM while I was at work and the alarm went off. I went after them with a sword but they were minors so I didn't kill them.
Randomize
