and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
so i used to love airports for the escalators... now its the bars... then the escalators after the bars
so literally, as soon as i tripped and fell and hit the floor the earthquake started. hows THAT for a self esteem boost?
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
Make sure to show her the sewer we were arrested in on your tour.
it's 2:30 on a sunday and I just won a wine chugging contest. I'm never graduating.
Remember that night I drank a bunch of vodka, pounded your Jameson because 'you were a pussy', punched you in the face and ran off as fast as my high heels could go? It was just my Russian and Irish sides fighting for genetic dominance
Jen gave my number to some guy she met in NY. He sent me a picture of his weiner. He had nice shoes. I replied with a pic of bacon.
When in doubt always reply with bacon.
Awkward sister question: which game of thrones female left would you fuck?
She asked what it would take for you to fuck her. You drunkenly mumbled, "pepperoni pizza" and then got in the cab by yourself. You were smiling too. It was weird.
I don't care. She's the only girl to make me feel like my face is melting when she blows me.
Vibrator fell off the top of the dresser and hit me. This might be the most embarrassing black eye incident ever
New low: uploading my contacts into Facebook in an attempt to get the name of the girl I brought home last night.
There's glitter all over his bed from my Pink VS panties... I think I might invest in similar styles as a way of marking my territory just incase.
My Dachshund waddled into the room carrying a rolled-up pad in her mouth with period blood. This day is clearly off to a good start.
Randomize
