onenightstand. Woke up and saw my nuva ring on the floor. apparently he thought it was a glow stick. pick me up please?
he didnt ask why there was a glowstick shoved up your vag?
Gay walks of shame are so much more Amy Winehouse than straight girls
I could tell by the Randy 'Machoman' Savage "hey brother" that you were beyond inebriated
his mom walked in, looked at me, sighed n nsaid 'when are u gonna learn' n walked out
Well, at first I was really confused. But then I realized that he was talking from his penis's perspective... in third person.
is he the 3rd person to bang everyone in our group?
How unacceptable would it be to bar hop with a funnel in the square? It's Halloweekend and I plan on going hard. I can claim it goes w/ my costume. But I don't think the MIMITW uses funnels.
Walked in the bathroom at work and my boss was taking a shit with the stall wide open and responded "oh yeah, I forgot you never have been to prison "
Would I be a horrible mom if I got a babysitter at 6am so I could go get laid.
My life is literally "I'm too horny you can't leave" or "let's have pie" there's like no inbetween
After tacos, we're chasing women.
ugh i want to get waxed but I’m afraid. my vagina has had enough trauma this week, i don’t know if I can put her thru any more.
Give me one good reason why I should go with you.
Free beer.
..pick me up at 8.
so idk what that means but now because of me he has a police file as breaking into my apartment and sleeping in my hallway under the carpet
My brother is coming home and he is bringing a whole bunch of friends with him. I am making him a cake. What should i put on it?
"Open for business" or "I have condoms" would probably work
Randomize
