I'm so glad you managed to take a picture of your foreskin before you broke my camera.
So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
We got a Christmas tree, decorated it to surprise his wife And kids who were out of town for her father's funeral, then fucked like rabbits on their new mattress before he had to pick them up at the airport.
We are not buying weed off a guy from the internet.
I've given up for the day already. I just wanna eat cheesecake and hide from her.
I feel like you guys are talking about real things and have real problems and I'm just over here like 'should I take muscle relaxers or get drunk tonight?'
How's my date look?
Like a retarded elf
In a good way
Confirm that you received these messages so that I know you feel the agony of my vagina. There is such a thing as "too many penises".
how much boxed wine can one drink before work in a couple of hours?
She proceeded to flip everyone off then open a Heineken with her teeth.
Fuck you. I've got onesies to keep me warm at night. And this bottle.
It's going to be like a slumber party but with ketamine
Annoying and petty is the name of the game and I'm the MVP.
Now after not puking, next step is not to do the accent when immigration says "hello."
You think my vibrator will be okay in the dishwasher?
Randomize
