Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
I might get fired at work today. I had to prioritize. It's not my fault Cockasaurus came over.
I can't tell whether I'm throwing up blood or licorice.
He's trying to wipe up all the spilled drinks with a banana
im honestly just eating salsa and looking at his penis
He handled me like a finger puppet on crack... Time to ice the vagina, I'd like to sit down sometime today.
She told me to act like the hulk during sex. Shit got 9 different shades of weird
The landlord called, GOOD NEWS! Noise violation #2! Something about people singing and fighting with vodka bottles in the parking lot. Well done us.
they need to invent a card that reads "thanks for all those boners you gave me that you did NOTHING about"
pizza hut and my weed lady just showed up at the same time. I feel 22 again.
So I just watched a seagul attack my boss and steal his food in the parking lot. Today might not be a bad day lmfao.
We're so high we're eating flavored lube.
Never again will I go to my mom's side of the family's parties. After the bride and groom cut the head off the roasted pig together they boarded their RV and rode off into the sunset.
He made me promise not to describe his penis in detail to you....oops.
The bartender remember my drink from last sat. I think we just became drocals...drunk. locals.
Randomize
