just had a super intense, drunken debate about which blink182 member is the most fuckable. i got so mad i left the room. new low.
3am cut off hipster s***'s afro on porch. Opened champagne. Felt like delilah cutting off samson's hair. Then shower & anal. So I guess his powers are intact.
When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
Lesson Learned this Week... If it seems too good to be true he is probably just trying to get you pregnant.
Dude, didnt you only know that guy for a month and he is demanding offspring?
Apparently, at this age my womb is an early conversation
Come help me clean. I know we won't be getting our security deposit back...but I would like to move out with our dignity.
i'm not a hellocoptur, but youer in a dorm ans im un a dorm
You kept trying to throw the grocery cart off the balcony.
Well, if he didn't want to get caught mid-gay experience by his girlfriend, he shouldn't have pushed so hard to do MDMA with me.
Nothing makes me happier than finding out someone else is pregnant and it's not you.
We were Chugging coronas for the soul purpose of launching limes out of the 3rd story window, I'd say it was a good weekend
You sent me a snapchat of you hugging a beer with the caption "best friend"
Mom and I shoplifted today. Her idea.
Retirement sounds fun.
I told my fuck buddy that I wanted one of his arms to take home with me to hold onto in bed and he was hurt that I didn't want to bring him, like as a person, home to my family. I feel like you and only you could appreciate this.
There's a stripper getting there at 10 though so hopefully I'm out before the stripper gets there. I don't have time to deal with a stripper.
Hey I just woke up in the back of a pickup truck parked at taco bell... Can u come get me?
Randomize
