I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
I told him I was prego. He asked coul we do it without a condom now since I cldn't get any pregnanter. What an a-hole.
Who cheats on Christmas eve? It's just asking for Jesus to hate you
Someone better explain the burnt stove marks on my bed.
sorry can't. you know Saturday is the masturbating day for single sorority girls here.
Also since my birthday I've on average fucked a new guy every 12.5 days. I'm doing an excel spreadsheet
last night we stole an a/c window unit from a frat. gonna be a great summer
Can we make a sex game out of monopoly somehow?
Beautiful wedding. Beautiful bride. I got shitfaced. Came home and ate two corndogs. I'm still single.
My mouth is so dry that I'm about to put a straw in a jar of Vaseline and chug. This all addi diet definitely has its ups and downs.
i would never take his side over yours. you coulda gotten knocked up from another dude and i'd be right there next to you blaming it on him saying some shit like "his sperm were just too sub par for you" or "shoulda had a bigger penis"
It's official. I'm gonna fuck hot art class guy. But this won't be like hot Samsung guy. I'm gonna make sure I follow through this time.
I'm like bob the builder except I'm fixing boners.
It’s like I’m living in some alternate wet dream universe right now
I'd kiss your neck and collarbone and then run my tongue up your neck to just behind your ear
And then lightly kick the curve inside your ear
Randomize
