I would like to feed your fingertips to the wolverines.
It's Friday. Sex?
you went through ur friends list and posted an obscene comment on every ultrasound pic...."not his" "looks like a sea monkey"
the people going to church this morning while i was walking home did not seem as pleased as i was with how many beads i earned last night
"I could never have "feelings" for someone who, at one point, wanted to "hate fuck" my face."
We're not even buying beer. Just vodka. In pre-retrospect this was a bad idea but we're doing it anyway
officially christened the dorm room by sucking my spilled drink off the floor. tastes like homee
I just stole a conducting baton from the chicago symphony orchestra... i have to stop drinking on weeknights
I really want to fuck that guy in the full wind breaker suit
Told some guy to hold your weave while you "tried" to kick his girlfriends ass...
I've got the dick your vagina needs, but not the one it deserves right now.
We need to make boob twerking a thing. I feel like that's why vine was invented
Prepare for massive TMI but anyway long story short I have a Swiss flag band-aid across my balls.
What a patriot you are. How'd it happen?
How the fuck do you get a noise complaint filed against you at 9:30am on a fucking Tuesday?
There’s so much sex at the hospital I’m beginning to think scrubs were invented to make duty booty easier
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