The guy I fucked in the port a poty just called me and asked me on a date!
Awkward!
No he was cute and I said yes!
He saw my tits then looked up and yelled thank you jesus as loud as he could
i just threw up a quarter into the urinal in the bathroom at the bar. everybody else stared then cheered. that drunk
So...i'm having a drinking contest, my right hand vs my left, i have a feeling the 24 pack is gonna win
He's sobering up. It was really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together.
Put you drinking hat aside for Tuesday. My buddy is bartending!
I just puked in my drinking hat.
You gave me balls I gave you half a boob. Fair trade
They are fixing my bike for free, trying to smoke me out, and their kids keep hugging me.
I was thinking that maybe I should not apply to Wells Fargo because they def have me on candid camera taking a drunken nap at 3am in their lobby.
Of the past 48 hours, 46 of them have been spent naked. I'd say it's been a good two days.
so I definitely just chased tequila shots with a biscuit covered in sausage gravy
Thats fucking manlier than riding a bear into battle
He wouldn't shut up so I started sending him pictures of animal dicks
I have a cheeseburger in my purse and im going to fill her prescription for narcotics. Who thought i was responsible enough to sign her discharge papers?
Just so you know, I choose to answer your bootytext tonight because it was the most creative.
Also fucking you night and morning and then serving your parents breakfast is a bit awkward. And funny. To me.
Randomize
