If I don't come home tonight, I've died in a pile of gay.
he confessed his love for me, threw up on my pillow and then fell asleep on said pillow. i met him last night.
better than last weekend. things are really looking up for you.
Seeing a catheter being inserted into a penis severely diminished my sex life
It's been a wonderful constant drunkeness. We played Marco polo with some random like 8 yr olds in the kiddie pool.
Pretty sure that I got the MVP of wedding reception... woke up on the bench in the hallway of a hotel and we did NOT start the night there.
Things are burning & the world smells of peanut butter. It's beautiful.
I take it that, because we are not guzzling a box of franzia, everything went alright?
I actually bought food at McDonald's as an apology for what I was about to do to their bathroom.
gorilla chasing a banana on crotch rockets. Halloween is getting way too real
NO TEQUILA
Why do I always think it's a good idea? Like a challenge? Shit maybe I should CHALLEGE myself to get laid for once instead
There is a video recording of my birth. I have seen it. It is terrifying.
Want to do me the honour of waxing my legs again before I go to Mexico? I feel like it's a tradition we shouldn't break.
When you're trying to sneak from the bathroom to your room with dildo, but it glows in the dark and suddenly your entire life is illuminated in the shape of dick
Every time I try to do something productive I end up searching ghost porn.
I tied him up for his boyfriend so he could get fisted... I'm the best roommate ever.
Wow. That's certainly more than I've ever done for a roommate.
Randomize
