How does everyone that never saw me naked know I'm built like a smurf?
i cant even explain all the reasons why i dont want to fuck you right now.
I really hope he dies in a tragic kegstand mishap
It's such a good feeling to send those "I'm not in jail" texts on Sunday morning
She just flushed the toilet with her head inside it...
What the fuck is wrong with your family? Why do you have unfrosted pop tarts.
Pretending to be completely fried so the odd girl next to me doesnt suspect im simply staring at her.
You go to bars with sophisticated older men, I steal lawn ornaments. Priorities
According to facebook, I opened up a can of whupass on some douche who poured all the vodka on the ground.
You called the wrong number but I salute you.
The only word that describes how much hair I shaved off of my ass is "considerable".
I'm very aware of my heart moving the blood in my body.
How did you end up breaking into that laundromat at 3am? I saw the snapchat but like..... How?
He was publicly touching my boobs before I even knew he's a famous World Cup skier.... That's how hot he was
Whats spookier? Halloween or waking up to a drunk text from your ex telling you how awesome you are at 2am
I’m going to hump him until his teeth hurt and then I’m going to have my way with him
Randomize
