i only hope i can top last weeks sext session
She's perfect. Funny, gorgeous, 3 tats, been through a lot, bright. I'm in love.
I just ate 3 burrito supremes and a crunchwrap...can't feel feet...I think I have diabetes
Did you see Brett Michaels get knocked on his ass?
Hurt me personally.
Knocked his cowboy hat off... Bandanna was still good though
These Dirty People Haven’t Told Their SO About Their Kinky Fetish
When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
The working title of my paper? "Tailgating: A Big Clusterfuck of Kids Who Dont Actually Give a Shit about Football"
Awesome. My fame will spread to DC... As will the herpes.
No she stopped screaming. Now she's eating popcorn. Off a plate. With a spoon.
I think I was using my hair to catch my vomit last night.
This is Why People Stop Sex Halfway Through
making a list of all the places we've peed. separate list of places we peed when we were stoned
Oh you have a half-brother? Why that's right up my alley! Let's cause family strife
Tearing families apart since 2011.
So apparently I was a completely different person lastnight, one who drinks scotch and makes out with 55 year old men who look like inspector gadget
This is not my bathroom and these are not my pants
Also this time, I didn't have a random creepy guy come up from behind me, grab my junk, and whisper "where's the cocaine?" in my ear. So that's also a win.
We should probably feel disgusted that we took turns eating and drunkenly passing around a burrito the size of a small dog but i’m ok with it.