I do no wrong. I am always right. Right? I forget why I am sending this. It seemed relevant.
he cracked the bottle of jager at 11am and said "hey, its Saturday and I gotta do something"
you were watching a documentary about sharks and wouldn't stop stroking my legs and whispering "what if they could walk?"
you left a note on your car that said " please dont tow, im to drunk to drive. safety first!"
Maybe she got knocked up by accident. I still refuse to believe that anyone actually INTENTIONALLY gets pregnant.
Saw a sign earlier "Domino's Lava Cakes $3.00" and I thought of you. This text brought to you by thing I don't need to know about your sex life.
you asked the janitor if you could ride his floor cleaner.
Def over. He sent me a nude selfie but cropped it right above his junk. Total Silence of the Fucking lambs looking.
I partied with a deaf mute last night. strangely enough the more drunk I get the easier it is to understand him.
Orientation leader success, day 1: incoming freshman just ate out his first sorority girl. I gave him a 7/10.
Should I take a fireball shot or brush my teeth?
Finals week game: One shot for every psychological trauma I've been through that I have to explain in detail. Man I hate my major sometimes.
I have shit my pants twice this week. #adulthood
Well this guy just went into a detailed lecture about how rinos are developing into unicorns.. It's gonna be a good night.
She’s fine. Found her in the bathtub eating Cheerios and watching Rugrats on an iPad.
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