That was rough. We had a 50% puke rate and 100% still drunk rate at lunch
There needs to be a term for a female version of a rusty trombone
At what point did I decide it would be a good idea to fill my contact case with vodka
Wearing a Sarah Lawrence sweatshirt is like wearing a shirt that says, "I'm getting a degree in substitute teaching."
Just saw a guy from Kansas and a guy from Nebraska arguing over who had less of an accent. God Bless the Midwest.
how are you not completely traumatized after 8 years of friendship with me?
It's not my fault I help girls realize they're lesbians.
Is there a card that says "Sorry I got drunk at your Christmas party and tried to steal your monogrammed hand towels so that I could give you something nice for Christmas"?
Soooo how am i supposed to explain to my mom that i was admitted to the hospital but you kidnapped me within 20 minutes?
We are going to be Siegfried and Roy for Halloween and you are going to be the tiger.
Half my face is frozen, my vagina is broken, I'm wearing only gym shorts eating a plate of mashed potatoes, avatar is on my tv. There's a naked guy on my couch whose name idk. I needa talk to you asap
From russia with love. But also with chlamydia.
It feels like you stuck your dick in a fire and then branded the inside of me.
So I woke up really sad and then I looked in the cabinet and there was weed and now I'm not sad anymore
I woke up remembering only that I got pulled over by a cop, then looked over and found that same cop, naked.
Randomize
