After we had sex, she played this little piggy with my toes
GOOD IDEA: Stealing the bike a couple blocks away so I don't have to walk. BAD IDEA: riding bike for the first time in years drunk as hell. I'm bleeding and my body hurts and once again I can't find my car.
sorry he hasn't talked to me since the surprise salvia incident...
I wasn't hungover this morning. My head just hurt because someone tried to suction cup a dildo to my forehead.
I just burped jalapeños and cum. That was the most disgusting thing ever.
The best revenge is living well. Or pooping in his sunroof. Either or
Just be aware that next year I will probably try to seduce you to avoid going to the gym
I am the prescription. I can be taken orally or vaginally and in any dosage. This is why I went to med school.
Can we just talk about how the only thing I have on my camera from this weekend is a video of you putting your whole fist in your mouth hahahha
No, the high point was when you stood on a chair and shouted you were the god of tits and wine.
currently working on a look that screams, "I'm dead inside, but still trying to enjoy the ride"
I think the only option is to smoke so much weed I just pass out for 3 days.
you asked the cab driver if he wanted to meet your parents, last night.
Broken leg sex is fun because I just get to lay there
Is it sad that the most attractive guy I've come across in a week that's not my professor is the man doing my pedicure?
Randomize
