I looked up to you, until I saw her walk out of your room.
So how was awkward coffee with forgets-your-name?
so i just realized i am an alcoholic. I was making some tomato soup because im still sick, and put vodka in it. sad huh? lets go out!
So am i just your go-to 'i found a tick on my penis' number?
I don't care. I'll be that guy that eats cake in a car. Alone. With the doors locked.
Apparently someone switched my cash for monopoly money after midnight so I couldn't get any more drinks at the bar
i was playing the convince him im sober game through texting. i spelled most of the words right. i hope.
He was very impressed that you could put your hair in a ponytail by yourself while throwing up.
He waited until after foreplay to tell me that he didn't have a condom and "we" would just have to settle for a bj tonight...
Couldn't find any balloons, so we're doing whippets out of condoms. Being a ho has its benefits.
We didn't want to make a pit stop so I just helped my husband pee in a bottle. No one told me this was part of love.
I'm sitting in my room naked waiting for him. When he gets here im going to make him do 20 pushups and lick my clit for a hour
idk. a stripper just bit me. I'm so disoriented
I woke up and saw that my last google search was "Bacon neck".
Im bringing my light up rubber ducky just in case we end up at a rave tonight. HE CHANGES COLOR!
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