he asked me to marry him on one of those scrolling message belt buckels.... what now?
i'm considering texting him with "i'm leaving the country for a year, wanna fuck?"
do it. it's every man's dream.
Thanks for not waking me up before the firefighters chopped down my door
Found our threesome girl. She says I'm pretty. She doesn't know I'm pregnant. Yet. Think we can pull it off?
That's not how these arrangements work. You don't buy each other stuff unless you break a sex toy. End of story.
during charades she pointed to herself and you guessed 'girl who wants to fuck me'
At the gym and this really hot trainer checked me out and was talking to his buddy about his workout. He then says "yeah man, like I'm doing so many reps- what's 7 times 7, 45?"
He was THIS close.
Are we really going to sext in Pokemon battle fashion?
We're living together and you don't know if I've seen Titanic?!
I just wanna get high and take a fucking awesome nap. Those are my goals for the week.
Hey, thanks for not calling the cops when I answered the door naked, high as fuck, and covered in red velvet cake batter.
I woke up with a hangover and a man bun. Reached over to drink water and accidentally chugged raspberry vodka. So there's that.
Im sober enough to understand what people are saying but drunk enough to understand its hilarious
These freshmen are fun! The redhead wants to practice her blowjob skills with me and let me rate different moves!
It's officially "let him eat me out in a sundress with no panties" season. Needless to say the first date was a success.
Randomize
