the shit that comes out of a woman's mouth when she knows you can't hit her is fucking unbelieveable
just survived the first fart of the relationship.
Different chick, same blowjob, same parking lot.
do you think they make "congratulations unfit mother" greeting cards?
or abortion recommendation cards.
...there is blood under my fingernails.
...I hope my roomates are okay.
he was screaming in a recently acquired accent that he paid for delivery and they could cancel the entire order if they didn't come upstairs
I thought you said it was going to get worse not hilarious.
the delivery boy turned out to be my students mother. now she knows that i have incredibly low standards AND thanks to the fact that he still has dialup the pizza tracker was way off and she rang the bell and he answered mid bong rip.
Woke up with an epic boner today, the kind where you can spin books and shit on it. FYI: don't try spinning an encyclopedia
They went to the hospital to try backflips in the parking lot. Be ready for the call
She came to college a virgin and left on court order. We ruined her.
Her inability to understand the word "moderation" is the achille's heel of an otherwise perfect human
1. Sorry about making it snow. 2. If it left a mess, I will be over to clean it. 3. Can that fire extinguisher still be used? If not, I'll buy a new one. 4. I just wanted to make it snow!
When you're a bigshot ER surgeon and I'm a starving artist, I want you to remember who held your hair last night.
If a raisin and a desert had a bastard child that would be the inside of my mouth right now
but there's so much I wanna do before I have kids. like die
Shut the fuck up! I can hear you having sex over Pirates of the Caribbean you moaning whore.
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