I cant. I'm trying to smell my vagina.
she bought me drinks at the bar, made me pizza at her place, gave me head, and then drove me home...i think i might propose
Listening to my boss get blown in the next room by a male bartender from the gay bar. And watching pawnstars. Tell me I'm not the best wingman ever.
I learned 3 things lastnight....1. Turkeys are related to the t-rex. 2. Whales have leg bones cause they used to walk. 3. I will sing drunk in the waffle house, but not during karaoke in the bar
There where 3 half naked girls passed out on the pool table, I crawled under it and just as I was about to go to sleep some guy walks up and says: "dude nice spot" walks away and comes back with a pillow.
ALWAYS CAPS LOCK. IS THERE EVER A SITUATION THAT DOES NOT CALL FOR CAPS LOCK? NO.
Sexting? Sexting in caps lock seems rather unnerving.
I WANT YOUR BODY AND I WANT IT NOW.
I rest my case.
only i would grind with someone to harp music at a gay wedding
I just hit on a guy in a doughnut store... is that too suggestive?
I just tried to roll over and fell off the bed. I think that is the beds way of kicking me out
Just peed off a cliff while playing white snake on my phone. Close enough?
She thinks you guys are the gods of the bathroom. If she runs past you naked, give me a heads up
My booty call is in the theater watching Deadpool right now. Never though comics would work against me.
Is it immoral to trade sex for the use of his laundry room?
You could at least care enough to fake an orgasm for me.
I woke up in my basement holding someone else's underwear and a bottle of mouthwash . I wish I could explain more than that but i can't remember ...
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