she was so "full of love" from watching twilight that she came over and gave me a handjob. when does the next movie come out?
The words "my birth control fell out" should never be spoken
if we break up, blackout me is coming back, making out with everything in sight
I'm 2 blowjobs away from girlfriend status....don't tell me I don't know how to have an adult relationship
He says he quit drinking. I'd like to have a moment of silence for losing the best drunken hookup ever. We will build a memorial to his awesome cock.
We need to tone down the drinking before our 7pm class. I don't remember receiving any of these handouts.
Listen, don't freak out when you walk out on me masturbating in front of my roommate. No homo. He just needs to be put to his place.
i'm laying here naked in a pile of empty landshark bottles, is lauren still hiding under the toilet?
My cell phone fell out of my shirt pocket while tying my shoe on an escalator....which was followed by me being accused of trying to sneak an upskirt photo and being violently shoved down the top of the escalator. How's YOUR day?
Security deposit gone.
burned down garage with fireworks.
What would you say is the recommended tip for a hotel maid who has to clean up vomit on just about every surface of a hotel bathroom?
I’m going to try to be less of a cryptic bitch this week. Should be nice.
WHO GIVES HANDJOBS AT 8 IN THE FUCKING MORNING
Yeah we've been texting but I don't know how to just randomly throw in sooo the real reason this is happening is because i hear you're a drug dealer
i am also 80% sure that my shirt glows in the dark.
Randomize
