Get your hand out of your ass!
how did you know my hand was in my ass? Guess where my other hand is..?
In your belly button
It's like a choose-your-own-adventure. But the adventure is already chosen for you. And it sucks.
she just made a shot glass out of magazine paper. I love her.
Can you come over to my place and make up for the crap you called sex yesterday?
Good morning to you
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawn mower thinking of you
Judging by my dry clothes and wet sheets, I think I might have gotten out of bed, pissed ON it, covered it up, and passed out on top of it
There is a full size piano in the middle of our road. Please tell me you had nothing to do with this.
We're gonna take a moment of silence to pray... that his penis is as pretty and as talented as his brothers.
I love you. Thanks for all the blowjobs.
I may have just unintentionally roofied a man in a wheelchair
I'm pretty sure they kept making references about gangbanging me but I was too stoned to catch on, I just sat there and stared at his kitten.
Forced to cancel my booty call due to the snowpocalypse. This crosses the line.
Let's get a hotel room this time. I really don't want to sleep in a Dennys parking lot again.
this place is dumb. no one understands my Sunday morning alcoholism here.
How does one get out of sexting without being rude? I'm trying to watch Downtown Abbey
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