the thought of Anne Coulter teabagging Dick Cheney kills me everytime.
I had the most spectatular hardon this morning. I think it was trying to reach you in Wisconsin.
I just told her she was a heartbeat above a blowup doll.
If he eats mayonnaise, he's not getting laid. End of story.
She was sleeping without a shirt so I thought I wouldI sneaked a peek at her nipples..than I realized they were just warts...on her back.
T-minus about 54 seconds until I am too high to speak English.
I'm jealous
My throat feels like a candle.
Yes someone did see you carrying a beer bong on the side of coastal highway
My professor just gave us a margarita recipe.
Why?
Because, and I quote, he "wants to give us the tools to succeed in life."
My mom just covered me while I peed in the street. I love her. i also love parents weekend.
You tried to use him as a battering ram. I'm 99% certain that's why he left.
I'm going to preface tonight by saying that I'm sorry for tequila, shopping carts, and having to chase me.
So, were you planning on telling me you left your panties in my glovebox??
I duct taped a bottle of vodka to the back of your closet while you were sleeping in case of emergencies. Go rip it off, it's going to be a long night.
It took me years of patience and pilates and yoga and flirting to land that penis. So yeah, I’m going to ride it into the sunset and live orgasmically ever after
I just bought a bottle of dried bees on Etsy. I am the wrong person to talk you out of this.
Randomize
