he is naked. in. my. bed. happiest day. of my. LIFE.
at the resort hottubing with french twins, who brought champange. this should be a postcard.
i suspect the closest i'll get to a valentine this year is a 16 year old on chat roulette asking me to show my tits. step up from last year, i guess.
both the worst and best vomit ever... it was extra chunky and thick cause of the sausage... but it also tasted like delicious sausage... also cause of the sausage
Before attempting to fly away into the night you asked me to take care of your sister. I agreed.
she never specifically said NOT to fuck her boyfriend so technically we can still be best friends
Random question, but did I leave a spoon on your dresser last night?
I have to answer enough questions about you, I don't need your uterus tossed in the conversation.
I don't think you understand. I woke up under the car. At 3 am. In the club parking lot.
AND WHAT FELONIES DID I MISS OUT ON WHILE SLUMBERING!?
You what they say. One dick in the hand is better than two in the bush
I feel like I missed the land of milk and honey and instead wound up in the land of beer and pizza. And yet, I think I'm happier here.
Happy 4th. Did you guys get your syphilis thing taken care of?
My heart says buy the granny panties, but my vagina says don't throw in the towel yet.
Like, I want sex but I also would be okay with Netflix
Randomize
