I hate your face
U know its gonna be a great day when the guy at the liquor store waves at u cause u walked by
Do you realize that Last night you pissed in my closet and then walked to the bathroom to wash your hands?
I need ur penis! This is not drunk texting, either! This is I need ur penis texting. There IS a difference!
From now on, just let me go home. I'm tired of hooking up with your roommates... Including you.
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
dude that bald bouncer just did a body shot off of brian and then kicked us out for trying to charge him for it
#1 RULE OF DRINKING: DELETE YOUR EX'S NUMBER FROM YOUR PHONE
Posh spice and Baby spice both in one night. Fantasy complete. God bless halloween.
We call it "Dishes: Hard Mode". Basically whoever is doing dishes gets head but needs to finish the dishes before they cum.
And so far nothing been broken!
I think "we've never met sober" is a great relationship to have with someone
You're too drunk for my bullshit, and i'm too sober to put up with yours. I have no idea how you expect to find middle ground here.
Tell me again why we had to Facebook stalk your therapist?
You ripped the leaves off the top of a pineapple then rubbed the rough skin part all over your face saying "this is how you mate with other species"
After I chugged my beer the cop slapped my ass and said "atta girl" this can't be real life.
Randomize
