There's a guy at this party taking all the unfinised beers and pouring them into a pitcher so he can drink them tomorrow.
I just puked in my fish tank. Helloooooo summer.
I have a ginormous moral hangover. Strip club blues.
he came on my stomach and it was 1000 degrees in his car. i smelled awesome.
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my roomates packed me a lunch. it had bread, cheesewiz, a can of refried beans and a condom with a note that said "good luck on your first day". im not even gonna pretend to be mad.
It was romantic. He brought over a bottle of Jack to celebrate us becoming official on Facebook. Definitely a story for the grandkids.
Can I come over? I respect you, but I want disrespectful things to happen
Told her my spirit animal was the spread eagle. Now that's my name in her phone.
The problem with having a roommate is that you are forced to answer the age old question "Are you okay?"
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He also ordered me a vibrator last week, so the flowers kind of balance it out
Ok well my life just seems more exciting by default because I'm dating my married boss and sexting with my ex
So my ex just asked for my address to send me his wedding invitation... in Europe. Awesome.
That’s basically a green light to fuck his dad
I just got a text from a stranger offering to shave my asshole. I've been sober and out of town for a week, are you using my number as a dial-a-dumping again?
He's eating me out right now. That's how bad he is.
Getting knocked up by someone with a good job and a big dick, okay. I can handle that. Getting knocked up by someone who sells dildos for a living and has a tiny dick, SOMEBODY is losing a pair of balls.
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