Sometimes I feel like I shouldn't drink when I come out of a black out half naked covered in puke. Then I realize thats why I drink.
He was so confused why there was a string hanging out of my vagina.
so after morning sex, she rolled a joint and turned on sports center
you might have found the rare bro goddess. i thought they were myth
please dont tell anyone i was drunk
you were publicly making out with a very old very spandex covered woman...they know
I'm pretty sure we organized our beer pong teams according to who's been circumsized...
It's like you're a magic genie of bad timing
You were sitting in the middle of the floor spewing vodka at people proclaiming "I a whale". That drunk.
Boobs are also good for catching the vodka gummy bears that miss my mouth
ALso, saw an adorable man walking an adorable dog with his adorable kid.
And yes, that last sentence is biased because my ovaries started screaming
WHAT IS PROPER BONG ETIQUETTE FOR WHEN YOU'RE ALONE IN YOUR BATHTUB AND CRYING?
Now I have to set an alarm for less than 6 hours from now to wake her up, get her showered and get her to her first day of tutoring a kid from her church. WTF is my life?
U touched your head and and said "oh look blood" and then looked at me and touched my face... And said war paint
My pubic hair is shaved into the shape of mistletoe.
I hope that's a joke and if not I need a snap of it
Dude, you GARGLED with bleu cheese last night!
my face feels like mints and my body feels like tingles
Randomize
