If I could text you the sound of me vomming, I would.
like i told you yesterday: virgins, blood, my name. do it.
Ryan Howard.... the only guy who struck out more than me this weekend
no, didnt close...
What?! she made the first move and invited you back to her place. thats like striking out in t-ball pathetic...
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I made a mac n' cheesicle. Better in my head than in real life. Gonna keep smoking to see if it gets better.
Also, I'm sewing my entire Halloween costume by hand. I better get laid at every single party I go to.
Ever have a day where u just waNna wake up get a blow job eat food and chill I just want today to be that day
Come over. Drunk tacos.
That isn't even a sentence.
I kept the important parts.
You screamed "I NEED TO GET THE WHOLE SET!" and then proceeded to try touching everyone's balls in the room
These 17 Delivery Dudes Suck At Their Jobs But Are Winning At Life
That's the last time I get in a car with six rappers headed to god knows where.
So I'm not dead, but close call. I think I can handle one more bar.
I just pulled a seven inch black hair out of my ass. Pretty sure that means we're dating now
My parents are paying for my knee surgery for my birthday. What costume will look good on crutches for my Halloween Birthday?
Welcome to adulthood.
I just saw a girl drinking wine and walking her dog in footie pajamas and a mad hatter hat. First day of the new year and I think I'm in love.
I feel like you should put up a missed connections ad for this..
You used a fucking bud light like as lube last night. I'd get a UTI test like stat.