I heard some girl say 'yeah he mustve been so drunk he kept mumbling and repeating himself'
And I thought
Fuck I do that shit every weekend
So this girl in my math class just went to the bathroom, tampon in hand, comes back with it still in her hand starts digging around in her purse, takes her thing of birthcontrol out, goes oh fuck, and downs the rest of the pills. Got to love college.
Now he's talking about how he's writing in a journal because he doesn't remember "his thought patterns when he was in elementary and that's distressing". I'm walking home. Fuck this.
I think you're asking the wrong person. You don't understand. Like I would fuck the act of fucking itself if I could.
I don't know. I guess at the end of the day I wanted taco bell more than a boyfriend.
Totally get that.
I just reenacted what a cuntadactyl would act like by putting straws in my mouth as teeth and roaring, Plz come get me.
It was around the time I started requesting "big girl straws" from the bartender for my jack and diets, that I knew I'd probably wake up with my sunglasses on and find my wallet in the shower.
It's now 3:30 and the guy I went home with is showering me with shredded cheese. Nbd.
I never thought I would have to get vodka suctioned out of my ear
I wanted to make out with that blonde just so I could deck her boyfriend and make things interesting.
At least that would be something.
I hate ovaries. They're horrible little sacs of satanic enmity.
That's the most poetic description of female anatomy I've ever heard.
Congratulations, you have turned my vagina into a garden hose.
I apologize in advance for the number of sex toys drying on the bathroom sink.
SCOTCH AND CIGARS AT THE TITTY BAR. YOU ARE COMING WITH US.
Don't mention it
Just endorse me for cunnilingus on LinkedIn