"you've got the devil in yuh. the curse of Jesus is coming on your sex soon." That's what a homeless guy just told me.
I was just walking through Burbank and saw a hobo using solar panels on his shopping cart. We must be in trouble if the hobos are researching alternative sources of fuel...
So he flipped me over and suddenly went limp then told me he was thinking about his ex.
so you punched his junk, right?
She might as well just lie down with one of those red "Easy Buttons" next to her
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
Hungover. Be in at noonish. Turn my monitor on and put a hot cup of coffee on my desk so the boss thinks I'm in
He's like the houdini of condoms. I never even realized he put one on before we fucked. he's magical.
Yes, I am about to pass out on my beanbag with a mason jar of wine. Welcome to the south freshmen.
So you think it's my fault? I didn't give you the 10 shots you took nor make you eat the brownies we made... btw, i found your engagement ring, it was in the last brownie you wouldn't let me have while dragging me to my room.
You then proceeded to tell me how good of a cook you were and put raw cookie dough in the champagne.
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
Please tell me that chemistry equipment is for chemistry and not for producing felonies.
Dude random question. Where you with me when the vulture got electrocuted from the power lines and fell on the sidewalk in front of us?
alicia just called me and talked to me in "the eternal language of the dinosaurs" and then kind of roared and gurgled. what kind of 4th of july are you guys having?
the boozy kind. is there any other?
The typical response to someone smacking their vodka soaked hand on your face is not to put your face in their crotch
After last night I am convinced that you are the human embodiment of alcoholism and bad decisions.
I've come to the conclusion, I should prob have at least 20 hr supervision. I would say 24, but I'm guaranteed to pass out for at least 4 hrs a day