On the way home from Florida I threw up at the beginning border and ending border of 6 states. You win this year Spring Break.
He said he's was gunna give me some pain meds. I'm not sure what they are but I just gave him a thumbs up
i just packed a bowl on a big bird place mat and smoked it in a spaceship with a slide. i love babysitting.
You were mounting an escalator last night, shouting "I have no health insurance" at people
there is a strobe light in my taxi. in what way is this safe.
He spent 6 hours at the ER after crashing a motorcycle and still came to the bar, Ofcourse I went home with him. He's my hero.
Went to the strip club with my aunt. Do you know how hard it is to be a pervert in front of your female family members?
Frats are adorable. They make mediocre guys think they're worth a shit.
...the American dream.
The plan was to get laid... Now the plan is to survive.
That is an awkward looking cockshot, not gonna lie
The only way that night could have gotten any better would be if a unicorn would descend from the heavens with a nacho bell grande in a bag around its horn beat boxing Hakunah Matata.
I was sleeping pretty good until your cat pooped loudly. I dreamed that a full grown man was pooping on my ear. It startled me.
Times have changed. Freshman year I could throw my shirt in a bonfire and still get laid. Now when I puke in my girlfriend's bed on her birthday I'm "an asshole"
I was picked up from his hotel room at 5 a.m. and came home with my panties and jäger in a McDonald's bag so the desk attendant wouldn't judge me. This is what single at 25 is about.
I wish I had a clear image of the dude who was sucking on my tit outside the bar last night
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