last night i used 411 to try and contact britney spears.
dollar well spent
Peanut Butter and turkey sandwich...this may come back to haunt me
I bet farrah fawcett is having words with michael jackson in heaven for stealing her thunder
The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
The walk of shame isn't so shameful when you do it in a stolen, autographed Favre jersey.
dude 8 am is too early to start pregaming for new years eve
clearly you are not from wisconsin
Found a bar with a washer and dryer and they serve food. I never have to leave
We just had to use a designated driver to get to night class.
I was informed last night that im not allowed to pick up the bouncers and carry them around anymore. Last sat is starting to make more sense
I am not working on the very first day I can throw up alcohol that I legally bought and drank.
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
In the middle of pounding my asshole he stopped and said, "do you want to get breakfast after this?"
Damn him and his beautiful face and body and penis.
An old Grimace plushie came to life and gave me a pretty knife. I'm never doing acid again.
Learned two new lessons today: 1) Do not identify pills found in one's car by taking them to see what happens, especially while at work, and 2) There is no logical reason to keep ambien in one's vehicle...
Randomize
