just witnessed a squirrel raping another squirrel. i couldn't look away.
he let me duct tape his mouth because i said it was my fetish, i really just wanted him to shut up
We walked in and found his glass coffee table broken and you in the bathroom throwing up saying "What a bad first impression."
I want nothing more to get stoned and go to your little sisters petting zoo party but I need to have priorities
I mean, once you help another girl drunker than you zip her jeans you can't help but be friends after that
Also got home. Still stoned. Mom was up. We made a pizza and were writing a children's book. Sleep good.
You need to braveheart it on Monday. Blue face paint and a loin cloth screaming freedom in your front yard.
Dude you went around coming up behind people and whispering in their ears. I dont know what you said but they looked terrified when you left.
This time tomorrow I'll be fingering you
Oh shit a waiter was leaning over me when i opened that and i felt him pause
HE ASKED IF I HAD SIBLINGS WHEN I ASKED HIM TO LICK MY ASSHOLE
no it was
but you compared your dick to a female disney character
I woke up with "To whom it may concern" sharpied on my dick
If its not for food we ain't going out.
just had an allergic reaction to my dildo. My life is ruined.
I’m not dating him for his personality. I’m dating him so I can steal his dog.
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