I thought smoking would make her look better, but all it did was enlighten me to her snaggletooth
Sounds like a blessing in disguise
I just ate an adderall and jelly sandwich in front of my mom. Homework time!
i wanna stay in my bed and fart for a few more hours
just saw a girl who had one of those monogrammed backpacks... her initials are VAG. is this a sign?
I was too drunk to read the menu, let alone her body language.
Okay I woke up in my room, snuggie on, had a water bottle in my hand my tv was on Disney channel and my cigarettes are gone. And I deleted every text in my phone but one that said 'you are absolutely welcome'
Guess who left Professor Cunt on their paper by accident?
I found the bottle of ketchup and sobe you tried to hide in the middle of the lawn last night
Omg, looked at my call history, and judging by the times of calls it took me like half hour to walk home frommcds
All I've eaten today is cookie dough, pecan pie and three shots of jack. Finals week here I come.
he told me i could have the honorable privilege of being the second girl to have sex with him in his new apartment, what a gentleman.
He stopped in the middle of having sex to ask me what shampoo I use. Apparently my hair smelled good
Not my type, but the penis looks fun.
Your feet probs hurt bc the cab driver kicked us out a mile from home after you wouldn't stop screaming "prohibition can suck my dick"
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
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