So, I'm about to rent a movie, order pizza, and use my vibrator.... Am I dating myself?
Dude, you need to talk to your mom
wtf?
She just called and asked if i would be part of the intervention she's planning for you
Its official, cigarettes are now more expensive than weed
honestly, magaritas are the void men can't fill.
I gave him a handjob while watching the presidential address. Needless to say, it was weird.
It never fails.. every time I have a dick in my mouth he calls me.
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
Streaking across a girls college rugby game is probably the best, and most painful, decision I've ever made
He came for an unexpected visit and let's just say I shattered his illusion that girls don't watch porn
I drank toilet water last night, I can't answer you because my phone is in rice.
just got caught singing "pop that pussy" by a very old man at work. *face palm*
I'm stoned as hell watching the new Star Trek movie. My life is 110% better than it was an hour ago.
Just went over my top ten highlight reel with that guy I'm fucking. It was like we were sports announcers. But about sex.
I asked him to explain what he meant by "hooking up" in paragraph form
It probably doesn't matter because I'm drunk...but I'm sorry for getting you drunk, having you almost lose your place to live, all your friends, permanently lose your liver functions, throwing up on my floor, losing virginity...etc...mostly I'm sorry for making you watch: cabin in the woods.
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