I never thought that I'd hear someone utter the words, "I need another studded belt." I was wrong.
it took me about 5 minutes before I knew it was in her ass. i thought the first time would be a bit more special
I called the bar to ask if they found my Id and credit card and they remembered me as 'the girl who signed her receipt in blood'
I just got my inseam measured in raffle tickets by a drag queen. Being fondled for charity is awesome.
My brain is foggy with friends reruns and him licking hummus off my tits.
Im dating a 38 year old who's lap I can fit in. Tell me I don't have daddy issues.
Nothing like playing hide and seek with a state patrol officer early in the morning to get your heart rate up.
in the future when you find clothing in your street, just assume it's mine.
I mean.. listen to "Put It In My Mouth" and you'll get the gist of my voicemail for you.
Just licked cheese from my hot pocket off my phone. I spilled because I was eating a Popsicle at the same time. Send an adult please
Odd start to the day - the FBI just showed up at my apartment.
Update: they told me I was twerking to twenty one pilots
Your ex roommate is making out w the kid who pees on floors and it's kinda funny
Being forward is somethimes a problems. Like in sexual deity Kong.
I think you’re losing coherence.
I am
Dude my roommate just peed out the window
Randomize
