It's fine actually... I'm pretty sure he had the crookedest weiner in the world anyway.
Like he had it hanging in the wind and you just decided, "nope, I don't think that one's for me." ????
God no! I could just feel it. His clock said it was 8:00 when, clearly, it should have been midnight.
Who is John, and why is his named carved into our toilet?
She turned over and said "You smell like my dad, i just can't do this"
I was in a threesome last night that turned into a violent domestic dispute with damage to a hotel. Wish you were there!
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Handle of 100 proof captain dressed like a pilgrim here we go
you are my patron saint of "too drunk for 9am". i just keep asking myself what would alyssa do as i try to regain motor function
My stepdad and I just tag-team hit on a server at McDonald's. This is the man I should have grown up with.
I just got carded by a ten year old.
This was the first time I've ever pushed myself until I vomited. Sorry, random couple laying on a dock at 8:30am. I would have picked a better spot so you didn't have to watch/listen to me vomit, but you guys were being MAD quiet. I had no idea you were there.
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You yelled This cop is arresting me for possession! Possession of MARIJUANA!!", everyone cheered, and you let him handcuff you and take you away.
I JUST LIKE FLANNEL, NOT VAGINAS! OK?
And I must've sleep walked to the fridge cause when I woke up, there I was, balls deep in a fudge pop.
After we banged he volunteered to ducksit while I went to work. I think that's true love.
I dunno that I'd be trusting enough of junkyard tequila to drink it.
If I die tonight, you and your brother can split my money evenly for college only.
all $38?
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