Who said anything about talking that was a booty call
Your lack of dick hurts my anus. I hate your loverboy tactics.
I'm too scared of my Fleshlight to even use it anyway.
yeah. you were just sitting there watching transformers, caressing your toaster.
Who is John, and why is his named carved into our toilet?
My body has become completely dependent on Text Twist. I can't poop without it.
Just figured out I can wedge my iphone between my boobs so it stands up at a perfect handsfree reading angle. Clearly somebody up there wants me to smoke this bowl while I watch my bieber videos
Abby. I can text perfectly. I pledge allegiance to the flag of the united states of america. and to the republic, for which we stand, one nation under god indivisible and with liberty and justice for all god bless america
She says she'll teach me how to make her squirt tonight so yea, I'm bailing again. I'm not sayin sorry since you don't have a better offer.
The amount of precision it takes to urinate into a 2 liter bottle while hammered is undeniably difficult.
His buddy came running in the room after we had sex, and started "sponging" the sweat off my forehead with his sport wristband.
No. We can't get pedicures until my toenails grow back.
I just woke and had to fish my phone out of a bowl of chili. I was wrist deep in it. WHO BROUGHT CHILI TO A PARTY?!
its not chili. and you brought it.
You and I both know it takes more than prescription narcotics to keep our family down. See you around ten, brother.
I apparently sent an offer letter to, and then subsequently onboarded, the wrong candidate. How's your Monday?
Randomize
