my mom just informed me that i masturbate loudly
there were no ball for pong so he bought cat toys..... they had bells in them
there's no such thing as luck on your birthday, only drunken invincibility, make it happen
A 12 year old Canadian kid said I was a pussy for only buying a 28-pack. I fit in better in this country.
i'm using salt from the free peanuts to stop the bleeding.
proof that my night is going well: I can still open doors
He is stood at the top of the stairs nursing the stolen cat
I won the booty shaking contest by mooning the whole bar
just almost had a panic attack because i couldn't find the granola bar i put in my purse. i miss klonopin.
I was just thinking about if my bath water turned to jello and got a little freaked out
when i woke up with 300+ messages I didn't except them to be about coyotes and burning shoes.
Listening to The Little Mermaid soundtrack should cure my drunkeness right?
But if you do poop yourself let me know. I want that as a tagline. "So funny she'll make you shit yourself."
I wanted one last NYC adventure and I got it. Now I just have to figure out a polite way to wake up the pantless former stripper illegal Russian immigrant street violinist chick currently in a vodka coma in my bed.
We're meant to be. Apparently God wants me to get dicked down pretty good too so I'm not complaining about destiny
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