I wish I had a waterproof laptop so that I would watch porn in the shower.
I just found a receipt from ace where I bought 1 lrg plastic funnel, 2ft of 1" plastic tubing, and a 48" toboggan sled. Thank you cashier #552 for letting that poor life decision happen.
Oh my god, I hid a wine bottle in my boot.
Biggest penis I've ever pity fucked
15 Ridiculous Ways Broke People Managed to Make a Buck
I totally just friend requested the girl I met in jail last night so that I could give her back the sunglasses she lent me upon our release. See, I'm not a total delinquent.
I just saw a girl on crutches doing a walk of shame. She is either super dedicated, or her night didn't go as planned.
No, the weekend was great. It was the waking up in the pond in the raft without an oar that sucked. That fucking water is cold at 7am.
Please high five our old drug dealer for me please.
Told some chick I'm a virgin, on my way to her house as I type this. Debating crying afterwards to fuck with her head.
These 27 C*ck Blocks Are Savage AF
He always takes home straight guys. He plays One Night Stand on Ledgendary Mode
In this town being related to a brewing family or the owner of a sports team is like being royalty. It's like hooking up with the queen's nephew or something.
Whoever roofied me last night owes me a new pair of white jeans
A gay dude just spanked me with a nicholas sparks novel and called me foxy. I'm putting this on my resume.
I'm on the porch day drinking and the neighbor is in his yard screaming about his amazing sandwiches, maybe we should move.
Nothing like a near-death experience to start off your Thanksgiving...