I'm like a rollypolly, I only open my legs up when I feel safe.
Would you let Jessica Biel poop in front of you to see her naked...but you have to wipe her too?
for future reference: playing drunken strip-twister is a euphemism for a threesome. just thought you should know.
It's all good. The CSI guy came and I played the theme song while he in was in our place. The cops even laughed.
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I just made my roommate a 'Hope you don't have chlamydia' cake.
Make one for john too.
I can't believe I had to sit there pretending to play Halo with a condom on for 20 Minutes because your brother barged in to tell a story.
Someone had Captain Morgan and orange juice at the same moment I lost my hangover and I just had to give it a try.
I'm laying in bed listening to Purple Rain on repeat. If you wanna bone, come up, but if not, at least Prince understands me.
I woke up with a stapler in my ass. Don't even complain to me.
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We'll just play it by vagina and see where it leads us
Nothing like being buzzed at 10:20am off wine shots in Amish country
That's why you need to have them together. Katie started crying on the couch and she just gave her a tube of crackers and picked up a beer at the same time. She's like a goddess of making things chill
So shaving my butt whilst humming "be prepared" is now in my top five weirdest Friday night activities.
Idk what was more embarassing, seeing her face when I finished, or seeing her roomates faces thru the door..
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.