he pissed his pants, and she still wants to hook me up with him. I try not to date guys with bladder control problems... Unless they're loaded anyway.
Through a series of unfortunate circumstances, I think I just sprayed lime juice on my vagina.
It's sad that I have started checking out the ring finger before the rack...I'm getting old
I replied to the university automated mass text about the armed robbery at the on-campus Starbucks with a sad face. Basically sums up my night.
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Yah, I definitely wouldn't wanna be fingered with a fake arm...
i finally found my car by the hideout. it was parked in an employee only parking space with a torn up piece of paper in the back window with the word employee scribbled on it.
we're about an hour out, how's the weather?
cloudy with a chance of strippers and cocaine, you're favorite. welcome home.
It's my coworker's last day party and I'm the one who ended up shitfaced on the train with half a bottle of belvedere in my bag.
By the way, I'm pretty sure your husband is publicly advocating more BJs for my husband, via Facebook.
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They were taking shots out of the caps of perfume bottles. This is too much for me.
That's just a really flattering way of saying, "Yes, you're useless, but you have great tits."
He was just lying on the living room floor watching Star Wars with six empty pack of cigarettes and two empty cases of beer.
In his defence I guess I did take the bed, couch and dining room set in the breakup.
"This is Emily. She likes potatoes. And sometimes laughs and cries at the same time, and has a wonderful butt"
My dog misses eating marshmallows out of your butt when you're passed out. That bordered on sex abuse, now that I think about it. My bad.
Once he bit me I drew the fucking line.