i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
Why is it that you only get to have sex when you haven't shaved your legs in six weeks and are wearing period stained granny panties?
if your not going to answer your phone this is just going to be an embarrassment tomorrow
that trick or treat candy bucket that we used to collect beer money last night was very helpful when I vomited in it this morning
Hey, so, you were my "one phone call" last night... Thanks for not picking up. See, this is why I never call you.
Also this guy fingered me at the bar and then gave me his card
Totally clawed myself in the face during sex. I can die happy?
Drugs are gluten free tho, right?
There can only be one screw up per family and I was here first. Get your shit together bro
I'm discussing Magic Mike with my mom and totally get why she thinks I'm gay.
I didn't rip your fishnets, WE ripped your fishnets.
I'm watching Netflix with my cats and eating homemade bread. Everyone and everything can go and fuck itself.
My sack is cleanly shaven and the rest of my body has been manscaped. i even put aftershave on my junk. i feel sleek like a fighter jet right now.
what could you have possibly accomplished by watching 6 hours of a mythbusters marathon
well, i added sex in a wind tunnel to my bucket list
I'M GOING TO DIE ALONE WITHOUT ANYONE PRETENDING TO BE A MARRIED COUPLE WHILE DRUNK AT A MALL WITH ME
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