I called Tyra Banks a whore to her face. A sure sign I should go home. Instead I went to the gay bar.
My Higher Power is John Stamos
Hookers taste better with whip cream
Maybe we ought to get some pennicillin too
Fair enough
I was just walking down the hall and passed a very pregnant girl wearing a shirt that said "blame it on the aaaaaa-alcohol." I can't decide if she's brilliantly witty or just pointing fingers.
We've started doing pot butter shots. WHY AREN'T U HERE
I'm alone drinking at the bar and the titanic theme song is on. This won't end well.
I was so intoxicated last night I was giving out my real name and number ugh.
Whoever said that remembering a girls name is a basic rule for getting laid has never met me.
My boss just called me for legal advice. What has my life become?
Look. If you get me out of this speeding ticket you can bang my sister. Or my mom. But not both.
she broke up with me the week she got divorced. maybe I should grab a beer with her ex
I had sex in the back of a hot foreign guy with a lacoste eye patch's car
Back at condo with chick. What is the condom situation urgent response needed
You make any dick jokes involving sushi and there WILL be consequences.
Sushi is fucking sacred in this house and I will kill you if you try and taint that.
I just made my dating life into my own game show. would you like to meet the contestants? (photos not included)
Randomize
