She said I was really immature but whatever...oh by the way we just bought a toilet and turned it into a beer bong so come over
That explains waking up with one hand in the toilet and the other in the trash can
He's paying me $45 to clean his room and $55 if i find the oxy that he lost.
i woke up with a wedding ring drawn on my finger...if this was vegas id be worried
Just spent 15 minutes trying to save the life of a fruit fly that dive-bombed my coffee. I figured it doesn't make sense to let two souls die in this place...
Someone spilled vodka all over the elevator floor. Bring straws.
Responsibility: Hiding your beer when your DWI clients who are out on bond come to talk to you at bars.
My wife just tried to justify to me why she wants to bring a girl into bed with us. I should win an academy award for my face and response of 'well of its what you need.'
I just busted my piggy bank to afford McDonald's. This is my personal cry for help.
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
Your uterus is safe from my father's misconstrued prophecies.
i want george washington to fuck me as hard as he can holy shit
Is there a tactful way to ask "how are your balls?" Or do I just ask point blank
Would it be totally wrong, that in honor of princess leias death, I role played as her??
people need to understand when I say I don't want to drink anymore that doesn't mean tempt me with another bottle of Jose Cuervo.
Randomize
