Your friends ate a hole through an entire loaf of bread
keep it on the DL tho cause i dont want it getting out and it coming off like i kidnapped her or something
No, seriously, 1.5 gallons of sangria plus two days of untapped cock. Waiting here. For you.
My ATM looks so different sober.
Thanksgiving break drinking is a marathon, not a sprint, and i need to be well rested
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
So we get back to the hotel room and Tom strips off his clothes... His first sexual act as my fiance? Helicopter dick. I gave him a high five.
This isn't fair. Why can't sober me be good at bejeweled?
Um, would you be up for dick jousting? Stefanie is willing to pay 40 bucks.
We were debating whether you had hooked up with him. I was right for the record.
Pagan metal show. There is a folk dance happening in the mosh pit. Also, I have no idea where we are.
I JUST REALIZED THAT SINCE LEIA IS TECHNICALLY A PRINCESS AND KYLO REN IS HER SON AND STAR WARS IS OWNED BY DISNEY...KYLO REN IS LITERALLY A DISNEY PRINCE.
Oh my Gods. Why. Why did you have to tell me that. D:
SO YOU CAN SUFFER HAVING THAT KNOWLEDGE TOO.
He chose me to be his birthday sex..theres a lot of pressure riding on this bang
Yah. I'm gonna lay you down and feed you grapes, except I'm gonna replace grapes for my balls
Don’t be alarmed my pee bowl is in your shower
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