I can't believe you let me try to pierce your nipple with a dart last night
he was fingering me to the beat of a lady gaga song. new high? new low? i don know, but i came, so whatever.
my grand plan for the evening is to do shots of vodka til i cant anymore
she asked if i had a condom...i said yes...when we finished it wasnt on...told her it was at home on my dresser.
How's work?
Spinning.
We are possibly on our way, unless we see the limo full of strippers.
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
Roommate is eating a chimichanga, watching Dr Doolittle 2 and weeping. His Tuesday hangovers make me feel better about my life.
Have I showed you the picture of my vagina with a little bang flag coming out of it?
It all started with sending him a text about Spongebob. It escalated from there.
WHAT KIND OF DEALER ONLY WORKS FRI-SUN???
Ours, apparently.
Is a coke binge Whole30 approved?
Wanna get business drunk and go play golf?
He only has one ball. it was like fucking a cyclops.
Sharted again. Stuck in traffic. Fuck
Randomize
