I told him he can't put it there till we're exclusive. That's totally The Relationship Hole.
Last night drunk me texted a sure to be hungover me my class schedule and locations for today. I'm like a mom preparing her child for the first day of school
We saw a kid playing in poison ivy. We walked away, he'll learn his lesson.
when I sang my humps to you I meant it.
He told him to "throw up in my mouth like I'm a baby bird."
My neighbor caught me peeing on his rose bushes at 2 in the morning while wearing my Santa hat. My sex appeal has never been higher.
When one is stoned and browsing online dating profiles all men sound like serial killers.
Ok let me just clear up this blowjob thing first so we can talk about your grandpa
There is a midget driving a powered tricycle around town. I am not drunk, stoned, or lying.
i refuse to give everyone the satisfaction of seeing the results of my acting on my thoughts
I asked him to make me two boxes of macaroni and cheese. That's like eight servings. How did I think that was an okay amount.
HOLY FUCK I almost floated out of the city. Thank god my dog kept me down.
Appearently I went across the hall last night demanding to ride my neighbors moose... How much did I drink?
He got me off while watching hockey. He's a keeper.
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
Randomize
