yeah, but that could mean anything in Denmark.
i think i recognize dicks better than faces
I just took a shit in a BP station. It seemed appropriate since they are shtting in our ocean.
You kept screaming how great you were at drawing poptarts and you insisted on drawing them all over my forearm
Breakfast tacos?
YOU ARE A FOUNTAIN OF GREAT IDEAS
Dude, the chicks a procotolgy intern. Don't cheat on her. She knows where it hurts the most.
I don't care how drunk you were. Sending me a pic of your dick dressed as Uncle Sam with the caption "I want you" isn't an acceptable pick up line.
I should've been more social I guess. I feel bad not meeting the people who willingly sucked alcohol out of my navel...
A giant panda just asked me for a cigarette and said "man pandas gotta smoke too." There is something wrong with this place.
I WANT PIZZA BUT I ALSO WANT SELF ESTEEM
BUT LIKE WHO AM I TO EVER CARE ABOUT SELF ESTEEM
The three of us were sitting silently in my dining room at 4:30 am, half drunk, eating cold spaghetti and listining to death metal. I need a fucking cigarette.
Me my naked body. You bring the paints. I expect to be a panther by game time Sunday.
What do I get.
Panthers win you get to fuck the paint off me.
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
We were too tired to finish having sex so we just stopped to eat the cheesecake and passed out. I didn't mind
Ur betting me $100 that I can't do ur sister?
Randomize
