I smell stomach acid.
Dude you can't like a status about me getting hit by a car
Is there a zoo near here? I need to see some penguins like right now..
I am not bailing you of of jail
he found you with your pants down, trying to straddle the urinal. no one should have to see their sister like that. ever.
Showering in my swimsuit in hopes of getting the beer smell out.
I'm trying to have a "pick me up from my house so I can get completely annihilated night" any takers? Cmon people this is what friends are for
She pushed me over. She offered me a shot from her tits. We're good now
Yah... You need to get here. Evan just peed off the karaoke stage.
I woke up with a meat pie in my hand and my mouth tasting like an ashtray. I'm a catch, really!
Is it bad that I want a job purely so I can buy drugs with without feeling like I am sacrificing my future?
Why do you think I have a job?
Considering who their parents are, maybe you should use vodka for the baptism.
VIVE LA RESISTANCE
Oh god, what now?
Had a moment of weakness, slept with my ex last night
So that's why our room smells like tequila and shame.
Fucked a DJ on a jetski today... I love florriidaaa!
I'm a peeled potato compared to her. I'm a peeled potato compared to anyone. I'm a peeled potato.
Are you high?
Randomize
