we just got in the car and birthday sex is playing
that is a sign the 3 of us should have a threesome
we agree. completely
Drunkenly found an error on my bar tab last night. THANK YOU ACCOUNTING.
she told me I give head better than a lesbian. I know it's a great compliment but it kind of threw me off.
Oh no it's bring yor chld to work day...I'm too drunk for this
I have been running off of weed, alcohol, and Mexican food. What is Tallahassee.
After walking in on us in the living room, he still insisted that he slept in my bed with me afterwards.
i am bringing shame upon my ancesors with my weak liver valhalla will never accept me
Remember that time you came over to my house and I was on the porch naked and eating peanut butter?
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
Well, she yelled at the stripper that she couldn't lick whipped cream off his nipples because she is lactose intolerant.
Another guy on Tinder just asked about "the hotter girl" in my pictures. I fucking hate being your friend.
We should have a mid-burrito sex-break, too. Just so we don't get too full all at once
Good point.
I still can't believe a guy pooped in my backyard
The cat was building a spaceship out of the carpet, my legs were cans of tomato sauce, and there was something else in that pot you gave me.
... and this time i WILL NOT make out with anyone dressed as batman.
Randomize
