but, i was nude. you really should respect my stupidity and delete them. please.
i would rather give Shaq a handjob than take this accounting final
he just asked me to email him a handle of captain morgans...how sober do you think he is?
What is the current exchange rate for ramen to jello shots?
apparently i tried to facetime the drunk bus last night, that's probably why we had to walk back to campus
Drunk ass.
You said you couldn't look at me because you would have to take off your sunglasses but you can't because they're the "guides to your eyes".
I called my mom while I was blackout drunk, and told her I was drunk, safe, and happy. But really, I was just drunk.
My parents heard us going at it in their tent. I told my mom it must have been a bear looking for food. I don't think she bought it. She deliberately chose this park because bears haven't been sighted here in years.
This snow needs to melt so I can get wasted on someones front lawn
Just passed the animal clinic parking lot I had to pull over to puke in during welcome week. I can almost hear the dogs barking at my shame again.
I apparently got up in the middle of the night after fucking him and started looking for you under piles of his clothing
You were holding onto her boobs like you were adrift at sea and they were the only flotation devices
I have a bunch of bug bites on my ass... This is why you don't have sex against a tree in the woods
Idk if my headache is from the alcohol, the pot brownies, or being dragged down 8 flights of stairs by my ankles because i passed out in the 12th floor girls bathroom by you. Probably a combo of all three.
I stopped telling people I'm a pansexual unless they ask first, really tired of explaining what that means.
Randomize
