i'm drinking out of my 'black like my president' mug
that's an acceptable place to lick
Day 5 without masturbation. Fat chicks are back on the table
I'm worried I'm going to miss my flight so I set a series of alarms on my phone to act as checkpoints to make sure I'll be there. 2am-stop drinking; 4am-stop fucking stephanie, get some sleep; 5am-wake up, fuck stephanie once more; 6am-get to the airport
she just came into my room, drunkenly shoved six dollars into my bra and told me to spend it on chicken wings.
Did you really just text me at 6:35 in the morning asking where the condoms were? I moved out a year ago.
I woke up naked, with the lights on, using my backpack as a pillow and a pillow as a blanket.
Is it weird that the cop that arrested me called me twice to tell me that I left my ring at the police station
She just asked to come over. She's either going to bring one of her dads guns and kill me or we're going to end up having insane lesbian sex.
my paper on vitamins just turned into a 2 hour tangent google search on what i should buy to best cure a hangover. I need to stop getting high before homework
Is it weird that the best sex I've ever had was to Barbara Streisand's Christmas album?
I'm definitely not going to be able to fuck him high. I won't be able to not laugh at his man boobs
I'm sorry I was just sleeping on the kitchen floor I'm too dead to think
It's a family event: you have to drink. No way around it. Its the law.
I gave your mom a discount on her coffee, its my way to say thanks for having a son that makes me come every time
Randomize
