this crazy girl in up in Dennys is going crazy because Bob Saget just texted her.
I could give you a full detailed description of 75% of the penises in that room
Oh god. It's my first day here, I'm still drunk and somebody just drifted in a forklift. I'm going to die.
I think I've hugged the toilet more times than I've hugged my own family members.
I found a big gulp cup full of vomit in my freezer, are you behind this?
No mixer. Vodka in yogurt?
I vaguely remember trying to exfoliate my face with your leg hair. Sorry about that.
I've friend zoned this boy hard. I made him change my nipple rings before he went home.
Do you have any pix of it limp? I wanna see the metamorphosis, like a cock caterpillar turning into a giant beautiful cock butterfly!
I wish you were awake and high the same times I was awake and high. And also in the same state. So we can fuck passionately.
It's gotten so bad I typed my will out on my phone in case it's over.
bought a large fruitopia from McDonalds at 7:45 this morning. Spilled it on the ground. Cried. THAT hungover.
how do i say "cradle the balls" in Italian
Look. All I'm saying is that if the USWNT can win a shit ton of medals and have two gay love stories with happy endings, there's still hope in this world
I woke up while she was taking a panoramic photo of my morning wood
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