So you started off by saying "no homo," but patting his crotch and saying his jeans fit him wonderfully may have overshadowed that.
Just watched a fat girl on a scooter run into the back of a bus head first
You are the luckiest man alive
she's laying in my bed with an ice pack on her vagina. how do you think it went?
I've developed breathing exercises to keep myself from puking..
you fully convinced the taxi driver that we were in a race
Somewhere between yelling how am I gonna make it to my flight and more titie shots I stopped caring
This text is addressed to sober me: getting drunk by yourself may have seemed like a Good idea at first bit it can tell you that it wasn't ad fun as you thought it would be
Ps your lap top bag is FULL of empty beets
I'll always be here to give you immoral support.
I swear she hasnt shaved since the last time we hooked up 5 months ago
What about.....a game of twister and....wait..nevermind. I've hit my cap for sexualizing things today.
You were captain morganning on the laundry hamper and when I walked in you slingshotted a thong at me and started peeing. This all came back to me when I picked up some jeans to wear and they smelled like piss.
I threw up for like 20 hours. Im gonna be the DD for the next 5 years.
All I know is that I woke up with my pajamas on inside out in front of a bowl of watered down kd. Sitting up. I didn't even make it to bed.
are you just sitting in your hotel room drinking popsicle vodka?
.....well anything sounds bad when you say it like THAT
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
Randomize
