sometimes i look at this picture of your cock before i go to sleep, there's something comforting about it
We were hooking up, both of us naked. She starts putting her clothes back on and says, "I have to go to the bathroom." I reply, "No you don't, you're leaving." Without hesitation she looks at me and says, "Yeah."
Here's the thing. I'm really high and have lots of questions about lightning.
The horrors my penis has endured I wouldn't wish upon any man.
Sun* burn. But that sounds like wait.. Midsentence thought... It would be like swimming in a giant bowl of cereal.. Only I would be cereal. This is brilliant.
Its fiiine, tuesday is like the thursday of wine wednesday. And i mean, free beer for girls at the grove...im not NOT gonna take that offer up!
Look at your life. Look at your choices.
Every girl my sister has brought home from college I've had sex with, check and mate motherfucker
I'm going to start referring to my liver is Livy. I feel like if I give it an affectionate nickname it will hate me less. Livy isn't ready for syllabus week.
I think we all know your liver needs a man's name.
After hearing her fall down in the shower for the third time, I decided to go check on her.
wanna come over? I have movies.
sure, what movies
porn or disney, your choice
Let's knock shit down like godzilla and have intense sex in the rubble
I'm high. ignore me
And he's a cuddle champ. I know because I slept over because I don't know what boundaries are.
I told ya. I'm super awesome at making things super awkward. I'm the Awkwardnator.
sitting in a shitty karaoke bar playing pokemon go and drinking a mimosa. how is your sunday night
Welp, no use in crying over spilt milk. I can't unbang her.
Randomize
