I DID IT WITH MY SOCKS ON!
I wish they had a "No Yankees" filter on status updates.
I just wiped my face with a slice of bread. Lowest point of the night.
So, do you know where my left shoe is? I mean, we were at a few places last night, and I called them. No luck for me.
i totally fed the cab driver fruit salad with my hands while he was driving
Was I holding a cat when you saw me? Because that was the height of that party for me.
Bonus points if someone shits their pants. Only 1/2 bonus points if it's you
Bonus points are bonus points regardless
I was so high the sounds of a cricket drove me out of my home at 4am.... Boo that fucking cricket
You can't call dibs on the bed... every time you party you KO in the bathtub
Is it bad that I have more guilt over drunk eating Doritos than hooking up with my ex's best friend last night?
We were just getting out tux's at men's warehouse he pulled both of the fitting room girls. I dont think he should be getting married
I wish everyone could suck his dick. It was an honor.
Just had an oven catch fire while I was balls deep. Fire department came, I did not.
I'm actually kind of scared about the prospect of us living together. We're just going to eat pizza and drink wine before retiring to our rooms with vibrators
Nothing has ever been more true. Ever.
Do you think it's a bad sign of the outcome of the pregnancy test I'm about to take that I was eating a fudgsicle on the way into the drugstore? Would it make worse to tell you I also bought a big ass bag of Cornnuts?
Randomize
