im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
He wanted to take me out and said we could "go huntin in the woods."
he called me "his little blueberry cunt muffin"...how would that make you feel?
I wonder if Barack Obama has ever been this drunk.
We shoved chex mix between her tits for her own survival.
tonight i'm going for the "i fuck with the lights on" look
Wow. I grabbed the wrong container to rinse my contacts- it was a beer. And it comes out waaaay faster than saline.
I got laughed at by a homeless guy in a Daniel Boone hat. I have no clue what this means for my day
SOS. HE HAS PASSED OUT AND IS LYING ON TOP OF ME. HE IS STILL INSIDE. HELP
Oh if we have sex in public no one will frown upon it. They will stand and cheer for it
He literally took a shit in my bathroom and then broke up with me.
Apparently nick called me at 3 in the morning looking for you because you ate your keys and ran away..do I need to call an ambulance.
She gave me a roadie as we drove home from fireworks. People were still lighting off their displays as we drove by. I love America.
Sitting in a waiting room with 15 children has me contemplating if I ever want to have sex again...
If you think I'm not petty enough to drive to your house at 3 in the goddamn morning just to punch you, you underestimate me.
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