Screwed.edu
I found the orange juice, it was hiding in the vodka...trickster.
i feel like the prize bull at the rodeo. everybody got a ride, no one lasted more than 8 seconds and i'm pretty sure i kicked one of them in the ball sack
I microwaved pizza rolls, a hot dog, and bacon in the same plate with no paper towels. I drank the grease at the end. I'm going to vomit everywhere.
it's like god just wants me to be high for five days in a row. keep the blizzards coming.
Just checked my bank account while shitting blood. Neither action felt good when I was done.
woke up holding a soft boiled egg cup and empty bottle of rum. apparently i couldn't find a shot glass
You raged at the rock climbing place for not selling beer and then just said "fuck it" and pulled out a flask.
I would like you to know I am eating your apology chocolate, which means i forgive you for puking everywhere before formal
Btw. Being a stripper for a week without anyone knowing to pay off my school loan is no longer in my agenda.
They walked into the house to see me in my neon pink knee high socks trying to pull you out of the cat carrier by your legs...
we just got sex advice from a midget. You better fucking get here.
Oh my god.. Saw a commercial for Captain Morgan. Made me gag a little bit.
Don't read too much into what I just sent. I love you, always have, but I'm drunk and sorry for the confusion.
Which part? The boyfriend or the sex?
Boyfriend. SEX IS ON!!!
If you need me I'll be in the hospital involving super glue and fake eyelashes.
Randomize
