I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
FOR A FUCKING 40?! A FUCKING 40?! YOU GAVE THE CAT AWAY FOR BEER?!
I'm confused about why you felt the need to ask me to buy you life alert for christmas at 3:28 this morning.
can you please explain how one drink turns into 5 street signs with their poles lying around my room
OH YEAH AND FORGOT TO THANK YOU FOR THE lack of WARNING THAT HE WASN'T CIRCUMSIZED.
Wait..I think something else did happen last night my vagina is too pleased for this level of hangover..
I'm having flashbacks from last night. Did I admit to pausing Whitney's funeral because I was watching porn? I believe I did.
I just walked away from a youth soccer tournament popping every birth control pill I had left in the pack.
You answered, dry heaved into the phone twice, & then hung up on me.
*tries to be fun and flirty* *literally gets peed on*
I honestly don't understand how your night went from singing a touching rendition of Africa to an angry political rant to low key trying to find a frat boy to bang to doing dishes to yoga
I love you but this is the first Saturday I have ever spent at the police station. And where are my boxers?
There are flour footprints all over the house. Either u guys are trying to pull that Paranormal Activity shit on me again, or u got drunk and tried to make pancakes.
Listen gotta draw the line somewhere. Apparently that line is at my nuts.
Apparent my drunk ass was so dedicated to taking a piss, when I walked across the dance floor to get to the bathroom a 9/10 broad tried to dance with me and I just pushed her aside, like hard enough to send her a few feet from where she was standing, pointed at her and said "Not now chief, gotta rock a mean one."
Randomize
