Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
he was persistant. I supposedly owe him a bj from high school.
Does my status still say I suck cocks? I don't know how to change it
My dad just passed me a joint.. this is a turning point in my life.
I just wanna go home eat some pizza rolls, get warm and jerk off, and it's only 845. This shit was supposed to make me see unicorns. Not cry
I feel like I'm sitting in a sleigh of puddy. It's not a bathtub though because you need a sleigh to go down a mountain.
You tried to convince me you were sober by doing jumping jacks. For an hour.
I just did the math, I've had 8 hours of sleep in the last 3 days. Not sure if that means I am dedicated to my sex life or my job...
My new year's resolution was to squirt this year. I only have four months left. Help.
I knew us throwing ourselves at him back in the day would pay off. I'm gonna b a divorcees rebound. Score!
I woke up with my face covered in mustard. Your mom said I ate hotdogs like a pornstar
We share an apartment, weed and genitals. It's called being practical not in love.
I'm about to eat a 2month old weed brownie I just found in my lax duffel bag. will you answer if I call you in like an hour and a half
He said my vagina is harder to escape than the Temple of Doom.
It's almost sad. It's like the Harambe of vagina stories really.
Randomize
