is there any particular reason you took a shit in a zip lock bag and left it in my refrigerator?
what do 4 police cars, 1 ambulence, and 2 fire truycks have in common?.... My driveway
who the fuck is that kid sitting with you...
I don't have any fucking idea. I woke up and he was there. I'm kinda creeped out.
not to mention it took an hour of antique roadshow to calm my dick down
Best thing law school has taught me: how to use logic to turn a girls "no I will not have sex with you" into "well I might as well get laid"
My only downfall is that I can only take shots in twos.
Dude she let me install handle bars on her headboard. I should have nailed my boss years ago.
He pissed on a police station. Then expected to not be arrested. Sounds accurate.
Ok, so technically yes she wore a red tank top to the stoplight party. But under it was a yellow bra and green panties.
Never in my life did I dream that I would meet and NFL linesman, let alone that he would be standing before me dressed as a Roman centurion and asking for Vaseline.
I just found a reminder in my phone to ask you about your sex life in 7 years. So how is that going?
passed out on bart again and decide to bike home. biked thru a goat farm of angry goats, biked on the freeway, got stopped by the cops, and sat shotgun in the squad car while the officer driving got a video on his iphone of his partner riding my bike on the freeway.
...this is why fuck buddies should be only for grownups.
You wouldnt listen to us when we told you there was no place that was selling girlscout cookies at 4:30am...
and by running errands I mean eating an entire bag of milanos by myself in the Walmart parking lot
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